Spirit Speak 1

 

Dear Grandma,

I know that you and Grandpa watch over me every day, but I have felt your presence very strongly. I sense your worry about me ... that I am becoming too invested in what's unfolding.

I was sitting here, initially, about to nod. You know, to go along to get along, yet do my own thing anyway.

The points you have raised are very valid. 

Yesterday and today have solidified this.

Deep down, this goes beyond what's in the present. It is what has happened to me in the past. It is why, over time, I got so guarded.

You remember when I was open to getting to know new people? Only to get misunderstood. Talked about. Disrespected. Bullied.

I didn't talk much about the bullying. I kept it in my head. I was focused on my learning. I thought that if I excelled at everything and graduated from high school, then things would be better in adulthood.

I did all the activities I believed would lead to acceptance.

Yes, the majority of the college attendees had skin like mine. They wanted to achieve like me. 

I did have a few close friends. Some of them got scared away by "Barney" and never returned. The one that did ... well, Grandma, I did horrible acts that pushed him away. These acts haunt me to this day.

He has forgiven me; it took decades to forgive myself. 

Life continued.

I grew in many ways, but there was always a small part of me that wanted to be seen and accepted.

I know you and Grandpa did the best you could, but you couldn't make people be friends with me. There's free will; there's choice.

Almost every person I encountered under the guise of a friend did not match my definition. 

For me, a friend was supposed to serve an important staple. Yet, others saw this more as conditional or transactional. 

This put me in precarious positions with the latter. I invested time and resources to my detriment, but back then, I was quite the optimist.

I believed that if you treated a person the way you wanted to be treated, it would be reciprocated. I trusted that if I poured enough care and consideration into someone, it would be appreciated. 

More often than not, it didn't happen, so each mishap left me more depleted. 

I learned this was not the way the world worked. I became more protective of my time and resources, and I just concluded I was that lone wolf that wasn't meant to have a pack.

I never would have guessed that someone would come along who would embody the truest essence of what I wanted in a friend ... so much so that saying "friend" was not enough to capture what the person represented.

Even with the spiritual knowing, I hesitated. At first, I did not want to get too close; I wanted to keep everything on a creative level.

Then, we started talking about our lives and our beliefs. Everything just felt effortless. I did not have to edit what was in my head before speaking. Even if I blundered, it was okay.

It felt safe to be a human. 

I was very cautious using familial words. She perceived me as family right away.

Over time, it was not just the repetition of her perception, but the way she showed up for me, not just in triumph but in crises. I am just very grateful you got a chance to meet her before you passed.

Grandma, she is on a romantic journey, and I have always advocated for this. Having a companion means a great deal to her.

In the dating world, there was promise. When she attempted to explain our dynamic (family unit as opposed to roommate schematic), there were varying reactions: not understanding, intimidation, feeling threatened, and/or feeling jealous.

In her ideal world, this individual would be an addition to what already exists.

To be fair, that is a tall order for anyone.

There are a lot of elements in play. She has many autoimmune conditions. She was recently in the hospital for four days due to severe asthma exacerbation, a sarcoid flare-up, and pneumonia.

Today, we found out that she has iritis, which the eye doctor said could have resulted from her rheumatoid arthritis and dealing with the pneumonia.

To say that it has been a challenging week has been an understatement. 

I have been more heightened lately. It impacts my sleep pattern and my appetite. It's been difficult to decrease the volume.

Before my best friend chose her current partner, she was connecting with someone else. There were also others in the running.

I had a dream that encompassed the themes of change, choice, and free will. Interpreting dreams has never been my strong suit; I always looked to her for that. However, I was very reluctant (in case it was bad news), and I did not want to interfere with her happiness.

Grandma, as it turns out, the meanings unfolded.

One person eliminated himself immediately by decreasing communication. 

The other guy, who was the frontrunner, was unwilling to compromise when she wanted clarity and reassurance.

The final guy wanted my best friend to be a "fun placeholder" until he found the individual who checked all his boxes. Initially, she refused him, but when the aforementioned guy disappointed her, she was willing to take him up on her offer. My best friend had all but given up on finding a companion.

I did see more for her. Perhaps I should not have been so insistent if she truly did not see this for herself.

Yet, things played out in a way that paved the way for her current partner to enter.

My stance on this beau ... 🤔🤔🤔

Grandma, the best way I can describe his aura is a blackened bulb.

Yes, you can see light. The light still works, but there is blackness within the structure. I'm not saying he's dark; many unresolved issues stem from his past. 

I sensed this before she told me these things.

I expressed my concern: how some acts of care, devotion, and attention can also have flip sides. You know, the yin and the yang.

These have come to light before, and in the midst of her health scare.

It's time to circle back to what I said at the beginning of this. Why do I agree with your points when I was ready to acknowledge, but continue to do what I was doing?

Although she has told me to talk about my feelings (and I have done so), it got to the stage where she briefly compared it to a conflict almost a decade ago.  I was disappointed and taken aback.

With this relationship being brand new, I just needed time, space, and grace. The fusion feels too soon; I still stand on this. 

I was not pleased with how her current companion handled things when she was obviously ill: the whole thing of his having to see it to believe it.

Grandma, even when he heard her coughing, her struggling to breathe ... his insistence on a form of communication that was a struggle for her to deliver ... just sent me beyond the pale. He has tried to redeem himself, but that was a very bad first impression.

I do not doubt the power of love. It is obvious they love each other. 

Love cannot cure another person's trauma if that person is not ready to do their work. The work has to be genuine and sustained, not as motivation for the relationship's continuance, but because the person wants to be better for himself.

I do not want my best friend to regress. She has come so far.

Yet, if I get too invested, I also risk regression. 

I risk not preserving my empath's health. Some of what is seen I should hold close. Not because I do not care about my best friend. Because she needs to be able to see as well and navigate this early friction logically (setting all the other parameters aside).

His ability to advance beyond what has kept him emotionally and psychologically stunted is being tested.

The health of my best friend and the strength of her healing are being tested.

The propensity to protect the sanctity of our home has butted heads with my own preservation. 

They don't have to negate each other, but I have to find balance.

I don't want her to get hurt again; I know this is the last hurrah (pass or fail). 

I will still be here through the ups and downs. I just have to give myself grace and re-examine what that means and how to honor her and myself.

I just pray she understands.

I'm not going to tell you to stop worrying, but I've got this.

Thank you, Grandma, for the much-needed reminder.

❤