Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
I did not think I would be writing today, but you both were heavily on my mind.
Around this time last year, give or take a few days, I admitted my struggles with getting in the holiday spirit. The loss of you, Grandma, was very fresh. As previously mentioned, holidays (especially Thanksgiving and Christmas) did not feel the same once you departed, Grandpa.
Before I speak on my overall temperature this year, Gino experienced a profound loss this year.
Remember Gino? He is the young man who is Jazz's son. Grandpa never got to meet him, but he would have found him delightful.
Jazz did not speak much about Gino's father. It was a tumultuous situation that wasn't my story to tell. It resulted in Gino's father not being around for most of his life.
Gino did try in his own way to reach out to his father, but never received a response from him. Because Gino was developmentally different, his father was not accepting. This was especially sad, since Gino is his only son.
Well, was his only son.
Jazz discovered from a Facebook post that his father had passed away. This happened near the Thanksgiving holidays. He died from cancer.
To add insult to injury, none of Jazz's children were mentioned in his obituary.
It was very tough for Jazz to tell Gino because he had never dealt directly with death. Gino navigated through this as best he could. Gino's sisters are taking it much harder.
Jazz felt bad about the suffering of her children, but she didn't feel sad about his loss because of all the man put her through. The complex emotions are understandable.
As for me, I do not feel as heavily immersed in grief, but I cannot say I am completely light, either.
The best way to describe the vibe is that I want to do holidays somewhat differently, starting next year.
Because it's usually Jazz, Gino, and me, it doesn't make sense to put together a huge meal. I do not have as much appetite as I used to, nor do I feast on leftovers like I did previously. This is due to the side effects of some of my medications.
This results in Gino having most of the food (which he never minds), or we end up discarding the food.
Grandma, you know how I feel about food waste. Especially since food has gotten so expensive.
Also, Jazz has started her dental treatment plan. She hasn't been able to chew a lot, so that has impacted meals during the holiday season.
I am going through mine as well, but opted to invest in most of the items until 2026. At least I got one phase of the deep cleaning done this year. It just sucks that dental work is so costly; I think my FSA funds this year will mainly go towards my dental for next year.
This year will probably be the last year for the Christmas tree. I went back to having an artificial tree. When I first moved to New Jersey, M was so big on having a real tree. It made sense, given the vast amount of Christmas tree farms in the state.
The cats (Colby and Franklin) would constantly be in and around the tree. Every day, an ornament would be on the floor or broken. For me, it was too much upkeep.
Next year, Jazz and I will buy a taller tree. That way, we will be able to utilize more of the decorations.
The extremely cold weather and my arthritis do not get along. I aim to travel to warmer weather this time next year. Perhaps back to Florida like in 2018. It would be heavenly to visit Hawaii, but I hear it can get costly.
Even if Jazz and Gino decide not to go, I may just go alone. Just to experience the warmth and be near the water.
Snow is beautiful, but I don't like driving in the elements. Or having to do the cleanup.
I don't care what gifts I receive this year. I've arrived at that stage (at least with Christmas) where I care more about experiences than gift exchanges. You know me, I've always shown more care in giving people thoughtful gifts than the zest in receiving them.
The traveling fire is slowly returning. I had fun at an event and a concert I attended this year. There is this concert that Jazz and I want to go to next year; if the tickets are still available, then she and I will do that. I am so ready for adventures, even if they are solo.
However, I'm practical and a planner, so the trips have to make sense to me. Others keep saying they will go with me (just name the time and the place), but there's not a lot of follow-through.
Like you, Grandpa, I don't like waiting on people, so it's best to do my own thing.
Also, the stuff that gives me joy isn't the same as others. I don't need substances. I don't need a ton of theatrics. To make me happy is more simplistic than people think; it may just come across as boring to those who want to be extroverted all the time.
I do have my extroverted moments if I'm doing something that is soothing to my ears, eyes, and brain. I have contemplated those group focus travels, but I also know how I get around too much estrogen. I am not for a lot of cattiness, drama, and pretense. Plus, I need moments of relaxation mixed in with adventure.
I do not want to take a vacation that I'm going to need a vacation from. To me, that defeats the whole purpose.
Okay, let me have some breakfast. I just wanted to check in. I'm hanging in there, doing the best I can. I have been more present, gone beyond showing up. I hope that around this time next year, I'll be sitting on a beach towel, looking out at the sun and the ocean, sketching or writing.
I love you both always. Happy Heavenly Christmas Eve!
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