To Simply Show Up (When You're Not In The Spirit)

 

Dear Grandma,

I woke up this morning.

I am breathing.

I am feeling the aches and pains related to the drop in temperature.

I paused so many times in my morning routine, but I eventually got going.

For the past few days (no, even longer, well over a month), the phrase, "Simply show up" has been a whisper in my dreams before I open my eyes. That is what I have been attempting to do since November.

I sit here wondering if checking out (not literally but emotionally) would have been easier.

I spent last month getting myself ready. I was trying to manifest all the courage, positivity, and determination to show up for the tribe. We were having company and I was doing the best I could to show up as the lighter me while feeling heavy.

The incident (I now deep the Sassy Southern Stereotype Saga) took so much out of me.

Yes, there is a crossroads over the swiftness of action and how it was handled.

Yet, it went deeper. I spent all of the week being at my most vulnerable, and truthfully when that happened, it made me regret doing so and being so.

I haven't fully reset. It has nothing to do with external forces but the turmoil it caused within.

A shattering ... yeah, that's the closest description that makes sense.

Even this month, I have "shown up".

From going to work holiday gatherings to donning Christmas colors and sweaters, I have tried to manifest the cheer and joy to match my festive looks. I even visited the stores for cards, stockings, and gifts, believing the trips could unite a spark.

My response to Christmas music has been to switch the station or put in my earbuds to block out the melodies. I can't bear them ... not this year. 

For me, Christmas has never been about gifts. Grandma, you know I have never been one to throw a tantrum about a gift I never received.

Christmas has always been about warmth and togetherness.

You and Grandpa were that warmth. Just hearing your voices and being near your energies meant everything. I did not want for anything.

It stopped feeling like Christmas with Grandpa's passing. Each year after his death, we would speak about him to elevate our spirits. 

Then you left.

I have no close family members with whom to share our memories.

This is the month Mom is consumed with Junior's loss; she is absent and unavailable. I have shed all the tears over a healthy bond that may never be.

Everyone else has their extended families and traditions, and like you, Grandma, I've never been one to rain on a joyous parade. 

The countdown to Christmas is on, and I cannot predict my countenance.

I have one more day of work, then off until the 27th.

Jazz works all week.

Gino has the adult day program for most of the week, except for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Who (in my immediate circle) would have the time to spare for the nostalgia? Apart from the Creator?

Showing up ... perhaps it may not be enough this year ... but it is the best I can do at the moment.

Happy Heavenly Upcoming Christmas to you and Grandpa.

Miss you.

❤️