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I was conflicted regarding where to post this. On one hand, it could have served as an unclassified No Labels Unleashed post. However, I have a scheduled post to honor Grandma today, so I didn't want to bump heads with that.
Perhaps I could have post-dated it as a new Soul Cleanse, yet because of how personal I need to get with processing it, I didn't think that would be the best option either.
I decided to put it here because I am in conflict. I do seek clarity but more importantly, consistency and cohesiveness. For those who know me, I prefer not to be in limbo, particularly about purpose and servitude.
Before I dive into this, a small backstory. Trust me, this is an important lead-in to the rest.
In my family, we didn't speak in terms of half or step (insert relation here).
For example, my grandma had children before marrying my grandpa. I never once heard him refer to those children as his stepchildren. Nor did they refer to each other as half or step-siblings.
Even when people ask how many siblings I have, I don't get technical with the explanation.
I usually speak about the siblings on my mom's side because I don't have any information about my (absent) dad's side of the family. I have a name, but he's not on the birth certificate. There are rumors of other siblings but I don't know the validity of the rumors.
Yet, if I were to get technical, only two of my siblings have the same biological father. One of those siblings passed away tragically.
I don't share the same father with any of them.
What was (and maybe is still foreign) to my family is the concept of creating a family.
Not in the traditional sense of marriage and bringing forth children, but having individuals in your life who are so close to you that you consider them family. Or even seemed like family in a previous life (if you are one to believe in that sort of thing).
I could not have anticipated that my life would take such a different path.
Sure, there were moments when I had this blueprint in mind, and I thought that if I followed it to a T, it would garner success. It rang like an unspoken expectation: meet a companion, get married, have children. Yes, getting a good job/career and having (preferably owning) a home was part of it, too.
But ... there was this rite of passage, especially in terms of asserting yourself as a woman, that was somewhat expected. I'm not saying that I agree or that it's right, but I have received strange glances for not fitting the status quo of what "makes a woman a woman".
I was dedicated to learning and securing a career. Admittedly, more so than finding love, living happily ever after, and riding into the sunset. If I had experienced more triumph than trauma in the romantic arena, achieving love and a career would have been on equal footing.
Not much resembled the traditional blueprint by the time I hit my thirties. Yes, I eventually got married near my mid-thirties, and it was the plan that kids would follow. That didn't happen, and in hindsight, that was a blessing. I expand more on that in this post.
For a few years after the divorce, I was on the fence about whether I would still try if someone new were to enter my life.
The years passed. My lifestyle changed. I began going through the stages of perimenopause.
At this stage, I concluded that the traditional archetype of motherhood was off the table.
It has felt weird to be told "Happy Mother's Day". Just because it's an assumption that one is a mother although she may not be. I don't go into the whole spiel of correcting anyone; I just say it back and keep it pushing. I have been a pet mother in the past, though I am not currently.
At times (perhaps the world doesn't realize it), it reflects that there's more worth in a woman who has brought forth children than one who hasn't. This, coming from someone who has been devalued due to my not having children.
I do serve a role in the created family. I do adore and love my best friend's son immensely. He has even referred to me as his aunt (mostly) and second mom (at times). My best friend is supportive and encouraging of the dynamic.
Yet, on Mother's Day, I ensure that she is celebrated.
Not just because she is a traditional mother, but because not all holidays have provided good memories. I know there may not be enough good to outweigh the unfortunate events she's been through, but I wouldn't be the friend that I am if I didn't at least try.
I'm not sure she's noticed that she hasn't done it for me. That she hasn't fully solidified on a consistent level that I have served as her son's other guardian (in the absence of his father) for soon to be a decade (could be longer).
Yes, I have expressed my conflict in numerous ways. Her response is normally, "Well, of course you are. Of course, you should know."
When Mother's Day comes around, I admit that I do not.
I confess that the loss of Grandma has intensified this need for belonging. Grandma was the glue and a true matriarch. I saw and experienced the intensity of her love and care for people.
For those I love and see as mainstays in my life, I exhibit that type of love and care.
It's instinct, if you will.
Perhaps in the way I am honored on my birthday and Christmas, I hope that in time, I'm honored that way on Mother's Day, too.
The village matters.
Until next time.
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