Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
Today has been a long day.
Honestly, the last two days, I've had less than five hours of sleep. It's all for a good cause.
When I move in purpose, my adrenalin is high and interrupts my sleep pattern.
Old habit from my school days, I suppose.
I do confess that I cannot remember much of what I did for Jazz's birthday last year. Grandma, your passing came six days before her birthday.
I tried to be present, but in light of the circumstances, I couldn't.
Her birthday was sandwiched in between the suddenness of your death and getting together money to go to your funeral. I was not sure how I was breathing.
She understood. She felt your loss as strongly as I did. Elements of you, Grandma, reminded her of her own grandmother who meant the world to her.
I was not certain how I would feel upon the anniversary of your passing, but I wanted Jazz to have a great, memorable birthday.
We are nearing our second anniversary in this house (Time does fly.), and we have not had company. Well, apart from getting deliveries and the occasional service calls, of course.
I knew I wished for this to change, and I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to have Andrew and his wife Leslie come to visit Jazz and me here (without her knowing) 🤯.
It was not an easy feat: to recruit mutual friends when the other party is under the same roof. Yet, I put the plan into action and prayed it would come to fruition.
As it stood, Jazz was still working at one place that had not been very flexible with her hours. She had to miss out on many holidays and wasn't sure she would be able to get her birthday off. I told her to at least give it a shot.
However, it was still iffy.
In the meantime, she discovered that a time off request she'd put in a while back got approved for personal time off she hadn't utilized.
Honestly, Jazz needed this. Most days, she only had enough energy to come to work, look at a show, play a relaxing game on her phone, and then sleep. We barely talked about things that were outside of what she was going through, which I understood.
During the time she was off, she got the good news she was waiting for: a transition to somewhere closer (15 minutes as opposed to an hour) that paid more and could give her more weekends off.
Once Jazz returned from her vacation, it was to give her two weeks. I was relieved because it meant that she would be able to have her birthday off after all.
It's funny what little tidbits one can remember. You and Grandpa taught me things that stuck with me. I don't think I could retire from my day job to do any kind of hosting, but I did hone in on some of the etiquette that was shown to me throughout the years.
I did my best to pace out my schedule, but it was quite the balancing act. At one point, I did get a whiff of what Gino ended up getting sick with, but I focused on getting myself well enough to continue. Then, I also had multiple doctors' appointments sprinkled throughout. I almost thought I was running out of time, but all I could do was the best I could.
The day before Jazz's birthday, we celebrated her new career. Sure, she has been in many fields before, but what she is doing now is where she is thriving. We never got the downtime to celebrate any of her other achievements before, so I was glad we were doing so now.
No pictures or huge fanfare, just she and I sitting down, connecting in a way we hadn't since all of the changes on both of our ends.
After doing this, I did let her know I'd have to go back out. Jazz looked at me strangely. She knows most of my routines and working out on Saturday nights wasn't one of them.
Luckily, by the time I returned, she had retreated to her room, and I could sneak in the cake and the decorations.
During that day, Andrew and Leslie were checking in on last-minute things, and I was responding while making sure that Jazz was none the wiser.
Normally, I would feel a sense of anxiety, inviting others into my space. I'm not usually one to host events or anything. Yet, Andrew and Leslie came to visit when we were at the other spot, but it wasn't as zen because that spot didn't feel like home to me ... like this one does.
Side Note: You two would have loved Andrew and Leslie.
I just felt a sense of anticipation and hope.
Hoping that Jazz would be happy.
Hoping that you and Grandpa would be looking down and feeling proud of me.
Hoping that I would feel the joy and satisfaction of my new family being together: the symmetry of home finally coming to life tangibly and intangibly.
I believe that happened today.
I was able to push through after my recent knee injections. I'm feeling the effects of overexertion now but I had just enough moxy to pull things off.
My brain and body are weary but my Spirit is full and thankful.
I just had to share this.
Love you both.
